The dynamics between husband and wife can be fascinating. The desire to be vulnerable without being overly exposed is a dance toward intimacy.
The need to self-protect after being hurt while also recognizing the need to remain connected with the one who created the pain can be confusing. When couples come into my office for marital counseling, I enjoy exploring with them to discover how they got to where they are.
The first question I usually ask is about the reason the couple is coming in at that time. Either couples come in right after a very significant event, such as the discovery of an affair, or they wait a long time after the real struggles begin to seek counseling. So, I want to know why they seek help now. After everyone has shared their perspective, I highlight that I can’t have a clear picture of their relationship if all I know about is the negative issues. So, I invite couples to tell me about their dating years. I want to know the good stuff before they married that made them both feel comfortable with saying “I do.” I want to know about the good times they have enjoyed as husband and wife. Finally, I want to help the couple identify the significant issues that need to be addressed so they can strengthen the intimacy between them. It is my theory that couples must recognize that they are partners, and when a problem invades the intimacy between them, they need to work together to remove the problem rather than using the problem as an excuse to take out their frustrations on each other. It is my passion to help couples do that.
Part of the reason I enjoy working with couples so much is because the two adults should be power structure of the entire family. The adults need to be the authority figures in a family. Children and teens will naturally try to control as much of their environment as they can. That is a healthy thing for them to do because it is the basis of their eventual independence. However, parents must work together to provide all that the kids need and allow them to have as much freedom as their maturity level can tolerate and their recent behaviors have earned. If that parental relationship is right, generally the kids will function well. Working with the couple helps all the members of the household.
“How do you listen to people’s problems all day long?” This is a question that people ask me once or twice a week. The truth is I really do not think about the problems. I look toward the solutions that can help the couple join again. Sometimes the solution is improved communication. Sometimes it is exploring the differences in the perspectives of each person. Sometimes it comes down to forgiveness. Relationships are like a bank account. If you make a deposit, the value of that relationship for both parties increases. If you make a withdrawal, the value is decreased, and sometimes that balance can become negative. Helping a couple see a solution is my passion.
