Introduction:
Men, it’s time for a huddle. Imagine a football team that never has a huddle. They always try to predict what the other team members will do without communicating. The offensive line does not know if they should create a pocket for the quarterback or try to create a hole for the running back. If the quarterback decides to pass, he does not know exactly where the pass receivers are going. So, it takes extra seconds for him to observe their route. Those few seconds are all a defensive linebacker needs to run through the hole the offensive linemen created for their own running back to carry the ball. The linebacker plows into the quarterback full speed ahead with the force of a freight train. The quarterback very slowly stands to his feet, as the linebacker dances in celebration, and the hometown crowd moans in frustration and disbelief.
Luckily, you only have one wife, as opposed to ten teammates on the field. You don’t have anyone actively opposing your marital success, and you don’t have an audience that gives positive or negative self-serving feedback for the entire world to hear. However, many husbands try “to do” romance in their marriage without a huddle. Men do not take the time to learn about his wife’s need for romance. So, when his bride expresses her frustration, he will often inquire through exasperation, “Just tell me what to do and I will do it.” Ladies often respond with something like this, “If I have to tell you what to do, then it is not romantic. That doesn’t count.” So, what is a guy to do? Guys often do nothing, and then get blindsided by their wife’s unhappiness (similar to the scenario of the above-mentioned quarterback.)
If we can huddle together now, then you might avoid getting sacked! For the last 26 years, I have worked full-time in the mental health field. Since 2008, I have worked both in private practice and in an agency setting as a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have shared thousands of conversations with individuals, couples, and families that were focused on solving a problem, relieving the symptoms of a mental illness, increasing marital intimacy, assisting couples to survive the destruction of infidelity, helping individuals quit smoking or lose weight with hypnosis, and a whole host of other issues. Generally, I am very successful at helping my clients improve their lives. The thing I enjoy doing the most is working with couples. Therefore, during that process, I have spent many hours listening to ladies complain about what their husbands will not do. I want to share the nuggets of wisdom I have developed about romance with you in a way that will not make you feel like you are being forced to watch a chick flick on the Hallmark Channel.
I am going to speak to you, man to man, about romance, and how the things you did during the time you dated your wife will not work the same way now that you are married. I will help you understand why your wife needs you to do something, but she can’t tell you what it is. I will help you determine ways to do those things she needs, and I will help you do it in a way that is fun without making you feel like you have lost your “man card.” The ideas presented in this text are generally applicable to all people in the American and similar cultures. However, in addition to being a licensed marriage and family therapist, I am also an ordained minister in the Christian faith. So, I will share with you the biblical and spiritual guidelines that back up my assertions.
For now, just remember this: “As a husband, it is your job to do everything in your power to create an environment in which your wife can grow and become all God created her to be.”1 This is a statement I repeatedly heard quoted by Dr. Leigh Conver, who was one of my seminary professors at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville Kentucky. He was quoting Dr. Andrew Lester, a retired pastoral counseling professor. Creating that environment is the essence of romance. If you struggle to create a positive affirming environment for your wife, then she will most likely view your efforts at romance as Jesus described the Pharisees: “Whitewashed Tombs – beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity.”2 You will discover that romance is not something that you do on special occasions. It is the daily investment of yourself into the lady God created for you. This daily investment of you trying to see the world through her eyes – and then taking steps to make that world a more enjoyable place for her to live – is the essence of romance.
At the end of each chapter, I will share a written prayer with you and invite you to use that prayer as a point of meditation for the day. The point of this meditation is for you to explore ideas and discover ways that you can personally apply the information in that chapter.
I know you don’t have a lot of time, and you probably do not enjoy reading a book like this. So, I will keep the chapters short enough that you can read a chapter during the time it takes to sit on your throne. I feel reasonably sure you love your wife. If you didn’t, you would not take the time to read this. So, join me on a journey to explore behaviors that will meet your wife’s needs for romance in ways that give you joy, peace, and satisfaction.
Prayer: LORD, help me to learn to love my wife with the same unconditional love that you give to me. Help me to discover her real wants, needs, and desires. Give me the courage to meet those wants, needs, and desires in a way that will be pleasing to her, and bring you glory, honor, and praise. Amen.
You may read the chapter titles and the references at www.fruitfulvinefamilyministries.com/references
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