The holidays are often bittersweet for many people because we envision quality time with our closest loved ones. As a marriage and family therapist, I often work with individuals and couples that have experienced the assault of infidelity or other types of betrayal in the primary spousal relationship. When a betrayal of this type is discovered, often times the one who was betrayed asks questions that insinuate self-deprecation. “What does he have that I don’t have?” “Do you think she is prettier than me?” “Why am I not good enough anymore?” Notice that all of the questions focused on seeing the one who was betrayed through the eyes of the one who was unfaithful. The act of asking these questions communicates an agreement that the one who was betrayed is for some reason unsatisfactory. When couples endure infidelity, there are issues in the primary relationship that influence a person’s decision to become unfaithful. However, the humanity of one spouse does not ever justify betrayal. Additionally, a spouse who was betrayed does not also have to follow the example and betray one’s self.
Why Men and Women Cheat
Dr. Kenneth Paul Rosenberg has written a wonderful book called “Infidelity: Why Men and Women Cheat.” He highlights something that is very interesting. Evolutionary neurologists, which are neurologists that study the historical process of brain development, assert that there is a particular part of the brain that gets stuck in a repetitive cycle of addiction. This same part of the brain evolved in their view and was created by God in my view to addictively love children and spouses. Think about addiction as a repetitive behavior that causes harm but continues. Most of the time, if you touch a hot stove, the pain will warn you not to do that again. However, as a parent or a spouse, you must have the ability to continue to love someone and provide care for someone even when that individual has hurt you. Therefore, we as parents and spouses are literally addicted to loving our kids and our spouse.
The Breaking Point
What a wonderful thing God created in us to help us to endure the everyday struggles of relationship! However, all relationships must have a point where an individual has the option to break the addictive cycle when it is destroying one or both of the individuals involved. In fact, Dr. Rosenberg states that our brains will go into a physiological withdrawal process very similar to the withdrawal of a person who is stopping a bad drug habit when a breakup or boundary setting occurs. This is the neurological origin of the pain a person experiences when she or he realizes the betrayal of infidelity.
Apples Vs. Apples?
To be 1,000% clear, I am not suggesting that any spouse who has been betrayed should addictively stay or automatically leave the betrayer. That is a decision that should be made rationally and with wise counsel. I am suggesting that a person, who is enduring betrayal and the physiological withdrawal of a broken relationship, has a choice to make. Every relationship begins with infatuation. Individuals have a tendency to see the best in their new love, and often compare that to all they know about their spouse. That is not comparing apples to apples or even apples to oranges. That is comparing a new cuddly puppy to an ox.
Synergistic Interdependence
If you are a betrayed spouse, I am not trying to insinuate that you are an old ox. I use this metaphor purposefully. Martin Eehart shared a story on the CEO Refresher website. He stated the following:
“There is a story about a contest in Canada for the strongest ox. The winning ox could pull 8,000 pounds and the runner-up pulled just a little less than that. The owners of the oxen wanted to know how much the two oxen could pull together. Most observers placed a bet around 16,000 pounds. Some bet a little more, some a little less. When they actually put the two oxen in front of the weights, they pulled over 26,000 pounds!”
In marriage, two people have chosen to embrace life together. This requires work, sacrifice, endurance, unwavering faithfulness, faith, and hope. Synergistically, two people can do more together than either of them can do individually even when you add what each does individually together. This synergistic interdependence that is developed over years of working together is difficult to see as something no longer valued.
Make Wise Choices
If your spouse has chosen to break the yoke of marriage to chase a puppy, you have a choice to agree or not agree that you were inadequate. Your spouse’s actions do not have to determine how you view yourself. In fact, if you affirm yourself, then you can more easily see your spouse’s choice as his or her inability to remain faithful and not your inability to keep her or him interested in you. With that knowledge, you can then carefully decide to unconditionally love your spouse through the reconciliation process or chose to heal individually and look forward to a new future.
This holiday season, if you are enduring loneliness that you never anticipated following the discovery of infidelity, affirm yourself by surrounding yourself with loving friends and family. It is easy to hold on to the dream that you thought you were living. Embrace your new future and affirm yourself regardless of the future of your marriage. You do not deserve to be thrown away regardless of the choices your spouse has made.